When our kids were younger it was easy to moderate who their friends were. Now that they are getting older we find it harder and harder to do. Should we still be concerned who their friend are and how would we tell our kids they can't be friends with certain people?

J's Reply


Good question. It is still important to be concerned about their associations, in fact more important than ever, as they become more independent and get closer to marriage. Who they choose as friends will partially dictate the character of who they will become as adults. You as the parent are responsible for what influence your child comes under, and this includes friends. We do a lot of character studies with our kids: we often talk about the people we see around us, whether in person or in a movie, etc. We look for traits that are both godly and ungodly and explain why this behavior or that behavior pleases God or not. We use this for a number of things, such as teaching our kids about associations as well as more importantly what to look for in a future mate. If you started with your kids early explaining why or why not to associate with certain people it will certainly be easier when they are older. What you want to avoid at all costs is a “because I said so” answer. Rules without relationship leads to legalism or rebellion while relationship without rules leads to anarchy and also rebellion. Remember to base everything on the Word because that is where our model thinking comes from. Proverbs 13:20 “He that walks with wise men shall be wise; but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”

L's Reply


I think it is important to have a gauge on who your children are hanging out with. A lot of peer identification happens in the teen years and who they hang out with will determine a lot of how they think and act at the time. It is developmentally normal for this to happen. But I would make it something that is open and talked about in the home. Tell them - "You are or will become who you hang out with". Tell them that you will not dictate who their friends will be, that you trust their ability to choose, but you would like for them to have their friends over, and get to know the friends on an informal level. Having an open house to friends is a great way to get to know who your teens are hanging out with and get to be a part of the lives of kids going through a challenging period. If you all are not comfortable with that, then I encourage you to keep an open communication about their friends, try to remain as non-judgmental as possible. One thing that drives kids to friends that parents don't approve of, is anger toward their parents. If you find that they are hanging out with people that you really don't want them to hang out with, then tell them your concerns, put down limitations on where and when they can hang out, and see if the teen will be able to recognize why themselves. If they absolutely refuse to stop hanging out with them, even after serious issues have occurred, then I would see what need that friend is meeting for your child and help them to get that need met through you, a safer group of friends and either be there for them when they are hurt emotionally, or let them experience the consequences of what the influence of destructive friendships do (within reason).