I have noticed that my children don't seem to have, or show, much respect for other adults. I am sometimes embarrassed by the looks and comments that they will give to people in the grocery store, or on the street. I don't want to just force them to exhibit different outward behavior (although that might be a good start) but I want to actually build a sense of respect and honor into their character. Do you have suggestions for where to start, and how to go about this over the long term?

W's Reply

Respect must be not only taught, but shown by you towards them and others. The basics - please, thank you, may I, no thank you, I'm sorry, should be a part of your everyday vocabulary at home. Both the child towards the parent, AND the parent towards the child. What is practiced at home will be reflected outside the home. Make sure your communication with other adults is respectful at all times, but especially when the children are around. I would not hesitate to tell them they will not be allowed the privilege of joining you at the grocery store if they act disrespectful. (Be sure to give them recent examples of the behavior you want them to change. )

N's Reply

Respect/honor is not something taught any more... BUT is huge for our children to walk in. We start very young talking about authority so they know it will always be in their lives no matter what age they are. We just practice and practice how to address an adult, eye contact, shake hands, speak clear, pray for those in authority etc... some of them are more confident and it tends to be easier. Keep working on it. Praise when do it, prep before going into a room full of adults etc...

L's Reply

I want to refer you back to my answer in question #2. The situations are very similar and I believe, the solutions are similar as well.

(First thing, I would try to hone in on is where is she learning this from. Is there an example in her life that also presents attitude, such as a peer, a parent or a sibling. They learned the attitude by watching those around them and finding that it is a successful way to manage relationships to get what they want. Then once, that is understood, I would work to change how much interaction they have with that relationship - especially if it is a peer. She will need to understand that when she demonstrates "attitude" she limits how much time she can spend with that peer. IF the example is a parent - then a good conversation with yourself or the other parents is needed, because it will only get worse as they see the attitude displayed in relationship with others consistently. If it is an outside influence, like TV, turn it off. TV is a great way to learn a lot of dysfunctional relationship skills. Finally, make sure the discipline is consistent with her attitude. When attitude is demonstrated then she will not get to participate in the family activity, the friendship activity or the hobby she likes until she recognizes that the attitude will not successfully negotiate relationships or circumstances any longer. In fact, when she displays attitude, it needs to promote the opposite effect of what she wants to happen. This HAS to be consistent. I would give her an example of what it would look like to ask kindly or negotiate something with respect, then implement the consequence. I would not engage in power struggle around the attitude after that. Once the consequence is in place, ignore the attitude. You have the power in the situation and the attitude does not. )