My daughter is 9 and has started giving me an attitude (and not a good one) that I have never seen out of her before. It seems the more I discipline her for it the worse it gets. Any suggestions?

W's Reply

We always question what may be causing a child's sudden change in attitude. Is there a new "friend" in her life who may be influencing her? Is there tension at home or at school? If you have not done so, we would suggest a real "heart-to-heart" explaining what you are seeing and why it is disturbing to you. We don't know what type of discipline you have tried but at 9 years old, loosing privileges (Computer game time, TV, friends over,etc.) is very appropriate. Let her know you will not allow the behavior to continue and it's her choice if she wants to continue loosing these privileges.

N's Reply

Stick to boundaries and discipline but sometimes we forget they are changing, growing and more responsible and we need to flex more with that.


That does not mean you get "an attitude", but evaluate wants up... puberty, wrong friends, wrong music, etc... or are you yourself needing to let go or loosen up just slightly.


L's Reply

First thing, I would try to hone in on is where is she learning this from. Is there an example in her life that also presents attitude, such as a peer, a parent or a sibling. They learned the attitude by watching those around them and finding that it is a successful way to manage relationships to get what they want. Then once, that is understood, I would work to change how much interaction they have with that relationship - especially if it is a peer. She will need to understand that when she demonstrates "attitude" she limits how much time she can spend with that peer. IF the example is a parent - then a good conversation with yourself or the other parents is needed, because it will only get worse as they see the attitude displayed in relationship with others consistently. If it is an outside influence, like TV, turn it off. TV is a great way to learn a lot of dysfunctional relationship skills. Finally, make sure the discipline is consistent with her attitude. When attitude is demonstrated then she will not get to participate in the family activity, the friendship activity or the hobby she likes until she recognizes that the attitude will not successfully negotiate relationships or circumstances any longer. In fact, when she displays attitude, it needs to promote the opposite effect of what she wants to happen. This HAS to be consistent. I would give her an example of what it would look like to ask kindly or negotiate something with respect, then implement the consequence. I would not engage in power struggle around the attitude after that. Once the consequence is in place, ignore the attitude. You have the power in the situation and the attitude does not.