Our 7 yr old seems to becoming more defiant at times when we are going somewhere or asking him to do something. For example, he wanted his friend to come over on Saturday, I said his friend wouldn't be available until 3 and we would call then. When the friend had other plans, our son "lost it" and sat on the bed crying and yelling - "YOU said he could come over, I want him at our house now." I know to stay calm, and not encourage his bad behavior, but we were getting in the car to go somewhere and he would NOT get off the bed and get in the car. He lolligags to get his coat on when he is not happy with a decision we have made. I feel like I spank him often, and tell him to eat his food or sit at the table until morning if he doesn't. What are some suggestions to deal with his defiance?

J's Reply

Rebellion in any form is an open invitation for trouble, lots and lots of it.  In the Bible, children are really only given one command to follow:  Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”  You must get a grip on what is important in life.  Your child's character is of more importance than anything else, including schedules and appointments. Stop everything and deal with the rebellion.  You mention spanking often but your spankings may not be effective.  Different children need different levels of discipline, some harder, some lighter, but all needs to be done "unto repentance."  Do your spankings get attention or are they tolerable?  A spanking is not effective if the child decides that the goal of getting his own way is worth a little pain.  The spanking must be memorable, and must be accompanied by reproof.   Proverbs 29:15 says "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame."  Teach your child what the Word of God says about defiance, and follow it up with action. If the defiance is over friends coming to visit, then after you administer discipline with the rod, deal with the source of the defiance. He must learn that defiance will never, never, get him what he wants.  Don't allow him to see him friends for a week.  If he throws a bigger fit, make it two weeks.  And then, stick to it!  Don't threaten something and then not follow through with it.  You must be 100% consistent.  Don't forget to pray with your child about rebellion and ask God to help him see his sin.  Hearts are like gardens.  We must keep them weed free and we must often go to the Master Gardener to weed us. 

L’s Reply

As a child therapist, I would ask if there are any difficult adjustments going on in his life right now.  Is he getting quality time with his parents that is not filled with rules or consequences?  Also, does he have time where he is able to blow of steam, play and enjoy himself?  Does he have power to make his own decisions or is the house hold run in a more authoritarian manner?  There could be any number of things that are driving the defiance, but in an effort to answer your question as best as possible, I would see if there is an underlying need that is not getting met for him.  Quality with people who love him, nurturing, structure, security, free expression of feelings.  When the defiance occurs I would articulate that you understand that underlying feeling.  For instance, when he does get to have his friend come over at 3:00 when he wanted it, I would identify that he is feeling "disappointed", "hurt", "sad", because it seems like things haven't been going the way he expected for awhile now.  Recognize how he feels to him, and it can decrease the escalation.  If this is done well, and he is still defiant, then I would tell him that "You understand that he feels disappointed, but we still have to get some things done, so he has a choice, he can come with you without any resistance or he can choose to resist and the consequence is that the friend won't be able to come over at all tonight."  Giving him power (still under the management of your authority) helps the child to feel like they can make the choice. The consequences need to be associated with the situation, and sometimes that means natural consequences. For instance: "If you don't want to eat your dinner, then you will be hungry all night, if you choose to eat your dinner, then you can have dessert."  I would do this choice giving and the identification with feelings in a very calm voice.  Defiance, many times is a way of children expressing many other emotions rather than anger.