My wife and I are divorced and we have 3 daughters, grades 7th, 8th and 10th. The girls live with me 4 days and with their mother the other 3. Our 16 year old wants to get her drivers license, but says she will not get a part-time job to help pay for her gas or car insurance. She says "no I won't", she says I can drive her around or her friends will (which I don't necessarily want). I feel she thinks I will give in if she persists with this attitude. Any suggestions?

W's Reply
Driving is a privilege, not a right. We paid for our children’s insurance, as long as their grades were above average, but that is a family value decision. We wanted them to get the highest marks for possible scholarships and were concerned a part-time job would interfere with studies. However, they were also involved in other extracurricular activities such as band, 4-H, youth group, etc. If all they were doing was school, we would have expected them to get a job, or not have the privilege of driving.

There may be another issue of manipulation being used here. We would suggest saying, “Whether you or your friends are driving, I, as your father, still have the final say on where you go, or how you get there, when you are under my roof.” In addition, driving is one of the first big steps to independence. By making this statement, which could be viewed as defiance, what she is saying to you, is she is not willing to take a cooperative stance towards her independence.

N's Reply

You are the man and in charge! I don't know what your kids background is for biblical child rearing, if hasn't been done... starting at those ages is hard BUT not impossible. Our children need to have good attitudes and show responsibility to receive such privileges.

L's Reply
When she is living with you, the only thing that you can do is make sure that she understands the boundaries remain consistent. If she refuses to get a job to pay for her insurance or gas, then she will be very limited in how she can get transported places when living with you. If it does not work for you to take her somewhere then you don't take her there. If you are uncomfortable with her riding with her friends then she can't go with them. I would explain this to her and how her lack of taking on responsibility will limit her, I would also hope that you and your ex wife have a healthy co-parenting plan in place and can support one another when one has to take a strong stand on boundaries.